The Joyride of being single…

Being single, after having been married for many years, creates an interesting social and psychological dynamic for many of us. Some deal with it well while others struggle. You see, once we got off the “married couple” train, the station we got off at, was a bit unfamiliar, even daunting to us. We could still see the endless train of married folks rolling along in front of us. To some, it had the draw of familiarity and even some long lived security, joy and social acceptance. So they stared at the train in a pining sort of way and couldn’t wait to jump back on, at first opportunity. Others reflected upon the journey they had had and while the shining, smiling couples in the windows looked pretty, inside the train there had been a stench of discontent, resentment and even abuse. So they were happy to be breathing the fresh air of freedom. These folks were happy to start looking away from the train and explore the countryside. The Universe they knew stretches to infinity in all directions. There was a life to be lived and they shall live it, they said to themselves. 

Of course all of us got off the train because our “Ex” was crazy. Our ex, by the way, is saying the same thing in another group, or to their new, soon-to-be ex. That is a whole another story. 

So what now? How do we navigate this new or relatively new circumstance is the question. Before you get your hopes up regarding the outcome of this erudite essay, let me admit that there are no universal answers to this or any of life’s meaningful questions. There are only “our answers” and those are the only ones that matter. However, It does make sense to discuss a framework under which to arrive at those answers. A framework that minimizes pitfalls, and accommodates for our own individual madness. We all carry a unique streak of madness, don’t we(On this I do agree with your Ex., god bless them) OK, Let me quit this line while I am still ahead and move along.

Before we delve further, let’s make some generalizations. I understand that those may be broad brush strokes and by definition, the nuances of individual circumstance or personality are lost in making those. Yet they can often inform us directionally. My first generalization is how men and women take to singledom. In general, men struggle more in putting the pieces of their life together and achieve a normalized exitense. On the flip side, they fret less and are less anxious about the future in general. They even end up happier in due course of time than they were before. Women on the other hand while better at piecing their lives together and having better support systems, have their anxiety about the future more heightened in this new circumstance. Nature’s design is such that the female of the species is more alert to any signs of impending danger or even uncertainity. This is in place to protect their offspring. Their senses are like those of the deer in the woods, navigating life but hyper-vigilant about the possibility of life pouncing on them also. This causes them to live is a perpetual state of anxiety, further out on the spectrum than men have. The survival gene, on alert for themselves and their offspring, causes them to worry more about the future. They worry about being taken care of, even though in more cases then not, women end up being caregivers rather than the ones being taken care of, in old age.

So with that baseline, how do we navigate this new circumstance so we can not only survive, but thrive. Whatever be the reason of dismounting from the train, the fact is the there was too much poison in the well already. Else the given outcome would not have been generated. So from that perspective, our step 1 itself is on a more solid ground. We have just one person’s shit to deal with. Ours.

Beyond that, let’s look at some structural pieces in terms of thought process and perspective that may hold us in good stead. 

It all boils down to Health: Emotional, Physical, Financial and in Relationships. Each of the four need a whole write-up by itself to do justice to it. For now, let’s start with building stronger awareness. 

Emotional Health :

Emotional health is clearly a critical piece in any discussion on dealing with a significant life change and rightly so. Many of us come out of a divorce or the loss of a spouse, severely damaged and scarred. Hence, getting help as needed from professionals or just one’s friends and family is critical and has a vital place. There are other devices such as meditation that have been found to bring back a sense of becoming whole after the trauma of a divorce. But beyond the first six months and a year or two, which is when most people reasonably find their footing back, what next? How does one stay optimally engaged with life over the long haul? That is where physical fitness can play a role.

Physical Health : 

Physical fitness plays huge dividends. In my opinion amongst emotional, financial and physical and Relationship health, physical health is the easiest to attain, but most overlooked aspect of an optimal single person lifestyle. It punches way above it’s weight class for the following ten reasons. 

1. An hour a day at the gym does more for one’s blood chemistry and mood than anything that can be put in a 100 pills of any kind.
2. Dating and mating people are hyper-vigilant about not wanting to be someone’s nurse or purse, just like you are. So a robust physical constitution will draw more people to you then any other single attribute, given that we all are good mannered and kind people in general.
3. More confidence because of how we start perceiving ourselves due to changes in pur aesthetics and also because of the fact that we are doing something we set out to do. Everyone says they want to be fit but we are acting on it.
4. More mobility and hence connection in life in our later years
5. Younger and more forward, upward looking friend circle 
6. Higher performance at work and in other areas of life due to better stamina and alertness
7. Less abuse of one’s body with junk food, alcohol and smoke of any kind in the lungs 
8. More engaged and forward looking attitude
9. There is enough research to prove that a person who is overweight, has high blood pressure or cholesterol, but exercises daily tends to outlive one who has fewer medical issues but does not exercise. It seems to me that the Universe watches for our robust engagement with life, while deciding how much longer to keep us around. That engagement is in the form of vigorous physical activities as well as connection with friends which requires mobility for which regular exercise is key
10. A six pack never hurt anyone’s chances or feelings in the dating world

Financial Health: 

Some of us have been in charge, through out our life,  of managing our finances while others not so much. Taking charge of money situation, living within our means and investing wisely clearly is table-stakes for a fulfilling life. In many cases special attention needs to be paid on generation and stewardship of resources. Women tend to do better once they get past the initial fear of “managing money” if they have not done so all their lives. Men’s risks lie more in living beyond their means. But this one area can cause more downside havoc to one’s peace than anything else, except personal health especially if one is single. There is no where to hide really. So one has to engage proactively and plan and deliver to the outcome of a reasonable lifestyle as well as retirement.These goals are daunting with two incomes already, let alone just one and one’s ability to continue working. So a serious look at investing in one’s ability to produce more income, a concerted effort in understanding how to manage what we have and to maximize investment returns is not optional for any person whether they have been single for a year or five. Each, producing, preserving and investing is a whole arena of learning that one must dive into happily and heartily. It is our life’s effort, measured as money that we are attending to after-all.

Relationships : 

Here again women tend to do better than men but both genders need to put this in their top priority list from the get go. Everything gets easier with a few good friends. But to have those few good ones, one has to spend a lifetime of sowing seeds of supporting and being there for others, even if they are not the best of your friends. Universe keeps a good tab in accounting for that in my experience. 

So with these few pointers, a new life is not only more live-able but an actual fountain of joy and fulfillment. There are less distractions, more to be lived, felt, enjoyed, accomplished along the way, with or without the next partner in crime. They will surely show up too, if we focus the gaze inwards and build competency and joy in our own life. Joyfulness has a curious habit of attracting more joyfulness I have found. 

Atul Singh

Aug 4, 2024